Moving forward by moving back. You might be saying..."huh? That doesn't make much sense." Well allow me to explain...
After Averie died I told myself I would never go back into that house. After all she did die in our bedroom. At that point in time, a house that once represented life, dreams and a bright future, now only represented sadness and shattered dreams.
We had decided to put our house up for sale and move in with my parents. Knowing I would have to go back to get the necessities, my hero, Casey went out to the house and put everything of Averie's in her room and shut the door. His concern with me and my feelings still overwhelms me. He was and still is such a rock!
The house had to be cleaned and prepared to be put on the market so our friends cleaned and packed up Averie's room with such care and love. Our friends, oh my goodness, they are unbelievable, but that's another blog all together!
We were very aggressive with trying to sell and even lowered the price once, but no one was biting. We barely had anyone looking. Our realtor worked so hard but nothing was happening. I didn't understand! I just wanted to be freed from this house and I wanted to move on! I was certain that God couldn't possibly want us to live in this house again. This house held nothing but loss and just the thought of going back made it hard to breathe.
Once again, my life was on pause. The fog of grief was so thick it was crippling me. The anxiety that came with the status of my life became too much. I suffered from several panic attacks and they were only getting worse. Mother's Day 2008 was approaching and as the day grew closer I grew more anxious.
I remember talking to my mom one day saying, "I can't do this. I can't be here anymore, I'm suffocating!" I knew people meant well, I knew they loved us and was helping a great deal but I needed a change of scenery. I wanted to go somewhere where I wasn't known as Tressa, the girl who's daughter just died.
So what did I do? I went on a cruise of course! Casey and I had some extra money and after talking it over together we decided that my mom and I should get away over Mother's Day.
She and I enjoyed a seven day Royal Caribbean cruise and it was amazing! For the first time in six months I felt normal. I believe the Lord refreshed my soul on that trip. We had tons of fun but also had time to talk about anything and everything. It was spiritually and literally a breath of fresh air!
When we returned I felt different; better. The following Sunday I was standing enjoying a wonderful worship service not really thinking about the uncertainty of my life when clear as day and the closest I've ever gotten to hearing an audible voice of God, I heard the Holy Spirit speak right to me. He said,"You can do this, it's time to go back." I knew exactly what he was talking about. It was time for Casey and I to move back into our home. For the first time I felt like I could actually do it. I told myself I would NEVER go back, but God had other plans. When I told Casey what the Holy Spirit had spoken to me this was his response, "I've been ready for awhile, I was just waiting for you to be ready too."
So that's exactly what we did. We took the house off the market, painted and changed things up a bit. When we moved back in it felt fresh and new.
God will not ask you to do something and then abandon you. He will be there all the way, leading and guiding you, comforting you and carrying you when it gets too hard. We bought our home with big dreams in mind. Our plan was to stay and build our family. The enemy tried to steal that from us and even succeeded for awhile but our God is the restorer of all things that have been stolen or lost. We refused to let Satan steal from us anymore!
I didn't have to have a new house to have the new start I desired. The new start took place inside of me, not in what I had or didn't have.
When Averie died our "home" ceased to exist...it was just a house and represented nothing but broken dreams. Reclaiming our house and the dreams it represented was the beginning of God putting our lives back together. Just like a beautiful mosaic piece, God took the broken pieces of our shattered life and made something beautiful! Oh yeah, and just five short weeks later, a week after what would have been Averie's first birthday, I found out I was pregnant with Asher Kayne! Wow! Isn't God amazing?! His timing is perfect!
Be led by the Holy Spirit! When He speaks, you move! Nothing but good can come from being obedient.